When is enough really enough.
I have a friend who I have been a good friend with for 22 years.
She has 2 kids, 5 and 8.
Rather than making this an incredibly long sob fest, I will give you just the highlights.
She was with a man for 10 years; the same man is the father of her children. Her 8-year-old little girl has special needs, mainly an issue with her hearing and has to wear eardrums in order to hear. Even then, any sound she hears is muffled. She should be learning sign language so she can communicate, but she is not.
The 5-year-old little boy is currently in kindergarten, but is being held back because he cannot count, amongst other things. In the years that I have been close to this family I have never seen the mother sit down and read to them (I have never even noticed books in their house!), play games, do crafts or even bake together.
The father suffers from an addiction and they have recently split up because of it. Thankfully my friend is doing much better without him and is a lot happier. But the children still suffer.
The kids spend every weekend at their father’s house. He spends his time in his bedroom watching TV and leaves his daughter (who is 13 and from a previous relationship) to look after the 5 and 8 year old.
In months past the father was put into the psychiatric ward due to depression and suicide attempts. So he is clearly not stable.
But, my friend allowed the children there anyway, knowing all that could possibly happen.
Last weekend her 5-year-old little boy was found in the middle of the street crying and yelling “I want to die”.
When asked why he was saying that, he said, “I heard my dad say that.”
In my long friendship with her, I have been by her side the entire time.
I have done everything I can do.
This last time I was so proud that she left him. That she was starting to make a life for herself and her kids. I told her that if she ever went back to him, I couldn’t continue our friendship.
But when I heard what the little boy said last weekend, It broke my heart.
I just got off the phone with her. We were going to meet for coffee and just before we were about to end the conversation she said, “I am going to drop the kids off at the fathers house.”
Angry and frustrated I yelled. And I cried.
What is she thinking? When is enough going to be enough?
The struggle I have, is that I have been friends with her for 22 years! I am the little girl’s god mother. I feel that if I were to end the friendship, I am abandoning her or something. But at the same time, I feel she is not living a lifestyle that I can support. If that makes sense?
I feel I have supported it long enough and it’s just getting worse.
I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should end the friendship because I don’t think she is ever going to understand.
Mrs. Micah on February 25th, 2010
I don’t know what kind of advice to give because part of me wants to tell you to stay close to the friend and help her and the other says that apparently your help isn’t making a difference. I don’t know.
But it’s confirming my own decision not to have kids with my husband (one we made before we were married). He’s actually great with kids, he helped raise his youngest sibling who’s 16-years-younger than he is. BUT he suffers from depression and periodically it gets really bad and he’ll just lie on the couch for a bit and says stuff like wanting to die. It’s something I knew I got in the bargain and most of the time things run smoothly. We agreed not to have kids because we don’t think it’ll be a healthy environment for them to grow up in–his own father was like this and he thinks that’s one of the biggest reasons he’s had chronic depression since he was a young teen. If I had had my own desires & plans to be a mom, then I probably would have married someone else, but I’m not very maternal.
Anyway, her 5-year-old’s reaction makes me agree that he should not be around his dad right now…and it also makes me feel validated in my decision, that I’m not overthinking the effect his depression would have on hypothetical children.
Sorry, I just posted a lot of stuff about my own situation, but your post was very helpful. If it helps, tell your friend how my husband turned out from living with his dad. My love my FIL but he still talks openly about life being pointless, etc, and I then want to smack him for ever having had kids in the first place when he clearly didn’t think even his own life was worth living. Except that I like Micah.