Are we too old for friends?

The last couple of weeks there has been a hot topic floating around the blog-o-sphere. I blame Fabulously Broke, she started it. And then Krystal and Rina chimed in, and even Ginger gave her two cents!

Well, I couldn’t be left out, how unfair would that be! Be prepared for what you may view as a pessimistic (but very honest) outlook on friendships.

Initially when I was reading FB’s post I noticed myself nodding in agreement! Because I do agree. Making new friends is HARD. Very Hard. I mean, we’re not in school anymore, we don’t want to hang out with the girls from work and that weird girl you met at the bus didn’t really scream BFF.

For me, it’s a little different. I have never had a problem making friends, and have always had a group of friends to pick and choose from. Coffee dates, movie dates, shopping, you name it. I like a lot of different things, so with my wide range of friends, I was able to find someone who enjoyed that same ‘thing’ I did.

I have two problems when it comes to friendships.

First, my problem is, I have a hard time meeting genuinely NICE people. People who give a damn! Because of this, I have been hurt a lot by “friends”. People who like to throw in “hey, you’re my best friend” during conversation, but their actions are nothing of what a best friend would do. You know, they are unreliable, only there when they need something from you or a shoulder to cry on. Forget your birthday and simply don’t stop to ask how you are doing.

My second problem is, I don’t have time! I think this is what happens when we enter adulthood. We don’t have the time to maintain friendships anymore. We have full time jobs, husbands (or common law partners), sometimes children (if this is the case, then your children’s friends are probably your friends, too!) and not to mention maintaining a household!

We remember those friendships we once had. Talking on the phone all hours of the night, making mixed tapes of all their favourite songs, eating candy and chips, jumping on the bed and slumber parties.

So yes, that “friend” you have may be wrapped up in their own life, because well, they probably don’t have the time to worry about yours too. I think the combination of the memory, of how great friendships once were and the subconscious expectation that one day they can be that again, sets us up for disappointment. Because the reality is – it will never be like that again. I would love to hold on to that small strand of hope that one day it would, but that’s not the reality.

So rather than hoping to have a best friend (aside from H) who calls me just to see how I am doing. I look a friendships entirely different. The people you see every now and then, maybe a casual dinner or coffee once every 3 to 6 months. You have a quick update on each other lives and carry on.

At the end of the day, it’s easier on me too. Because friendships, like any relationship are a lot of work. They require a lot of your time, energy and maintenance. And if you’re the only one putting in the work – you’re bound to get burned.

Frugal Dreamer on September 28, 2009 | Filed Under Relationship

12 Comments

Rainydaysaver on September 28th, 2009

Thought-provoking post! I agree that it’s really hard to maintain friendships the older you get. I’ve always had a close circle of friends, even in school, and honestly I have a hard time keeping up with just that many people. And I think they’re in the same boat. Our everyday lives sort of take over. I’m just not as social as I used to be!

FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com on September 28th, 2009

I totally forgot about the “forgetting birthdays” part.

I always remember my friend’s birthdays but they don’t seem to call me on mine…..

Except for 2 or 3. Small things, but it hurts.

Thank you for linking!

Jessie on September 28th, 2009

I really liked this post. It speaks to me in a lot of ways. Jordan is really my best friend at this point in my life. I have two friends who I would consider my ‘chosen sisters’ and we try to keep in touch as often as possible, but it is a lot of work. Our day-to-day lives just take us in different directions.

I keep hoping that things will go back to how they were, but maybe instead I should just look forward to what is and what will be rather then what was.

Frugal Dreamer on September 28th, 2009

RainyDay: I am not as social anymore either. I guess things change as we grow up!

Jessie: It’s hard, because I think going from the type of friendship you remember to seeing someone every now and then feels like you are losing someone. It makes you feel like there is barely a friendship at all! That’s how it was for me, anyway. And H is my best friend too, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Marie on September 28th, 2009

I don’t think people get too old to have friends.

I think that the problem is that we’ve reconfigured our society in a way that makes it very hard for adults to have social relationships. Back before women re-entered the workforce to such a degree, I think that women acted as sort of social directors for the household. They arranged get-togethers and maintained those connections, for themselves as well as for their husbands. With so many women working outside the home, that isn’t a standard role anymore. Additionally, we’re all so busy that it doesn’t seem like anyone has time anymore.

I would love to have people that I did things with once or twice a week or even once or twice a month. Even if it was just to have them over for dinner or hors d’oevures and play board games or card games. But I feel like I don’t even have a place to begin, let alone the time in which to do it. I would love to have a social director who took care of finding potential friends, maintained existing friends, set up the gatherings, and cleaned up afterwards. It would be nice!

psychsarah on September 28th, 2009

Well said FD. I tried to explain this idea to my husband when was getting frustrated meeting people in our new city (3 years ago), and he wanted to move back to the city where we met. I tried to tell them that even if we hung out with the same people we did back then (about 8 years ago), which is unlikely, things still wouldn’t be the same as they were back then. We were all in school or had less demanding jobs, so there was a bunch of us who hung out all the time. It just wouldn’t be that way anymore. We still see lots of these people about once a month, which is pretty good in my view, but this is only accomplished with effort. It’s taken 3 years, but we’ve finally made a small group of friends in our new city, and really, that’s okay by me, because as you said, it takes work to develop these relationships and maintain them, and my time is in short supply these days!

Serendipity on September 28th, 2009

Good post! I can clearly say I have Rambo, W and M as my best friends. These are the people I can ask anything for and vice versa. They really care about me in ways I thought weren’t possible. Everybody else? Yeah, I can say we’re friends but not like how W, M and I are. Last year I was really sad about my friends and I growing apart and I tried so hard to keep in touch that it just frustrated me how they only contacted me when it was convient for them. I’m getting hot and bothered thinking about it! Anyways, it’s hard when you grow up. But, I’m okay with this amount of people.

Serendipity

Amber on September 28th, 2009

I have found it much, much easier to make friends now that I have children. We’re all moms with small kids, we are all sort of lonely and isolated, and we are all parenting so we have a lot in common automatically. Extending myself at mom’s groups and the like I have met more friends than I’ve had in a long time.

It’s true, we don’t chat on the phone and make each other mix tapes. Taking time to talk on the phone just means that the kids are destroying the house while you’re distracted. But we do see each other a lot, meet at the park, visit for playdates, that sort of thing.

So, while I found that in my 20s I didn’t have many friends, I suddenly have an abundance in my 30s. It’s ironic, because we’re all busier than we’ve ever been, but I think we now realize how much we need each other. Our expectations are also low, because we know that none of us have slept or had any time to ourselves, and so we’re more forgiving of the small infractions. When a small child is pooping on you, who has time to worry about who calls who?

negativenetworth on September 28th, 2009

Great subject…..I’ve talked about this same thing with one of my friends and she and I felt like we had a hard enough time keeping up with the friends we already had that it deterred us both from making any new friends. I’d say that in the years since college, I think I’ve only made one real lifelong friend. I’m just more selective now about who I want to invest my limited time with.

Movingonup! on September 29th, 2009

I like your post. I have a different problem. I’m in my 30′s and all my friends have kids so they don’t call like they used to. I’m wondering whether to give up these long distance friendships even if they are 20 years old!

Making new friends is very difficult. | Fabulously Broke in the City on October 2nd, 2009

[...] Frugal Dreamer [...]

eemusings on October 2nd, 2009

So true – I think the meaning of friendship really changes as you grow older.